The Coming Animal Wars: Redux

My god....

Perhaps we can recruit the mantises to our aid?  Surely they can't appreciate the intrusion into their flesh-eating territory....

Only Time Will Tell...

New developments in the escalating animal-human crisis:

Zombies: new human ally or threat to humans' aquatic conquest?  You decide.

h/t Quiet Earth.

Tastes Like Tasteless Jokes

Now, I'm not an expert at writing headlines, but shouldn't someone have thought better of this:

Former NFL Players to Donate Brains for Study

?

...To which I reply, what brains amiright?? *rimshot*

Unfounded Insight

maxr,

I've got a problem: my girlfriend and I take turns picking movies to watch, and I've got a feeling she's in the mood for The Notebook (she's been all lovey-dovey lately, gets emotional at random, pines over Ryan Gosling, etc.).  How do I avoid watching that tripe??

Dreading in Dover

Dear Dreading,

Notebook and Derangement Syndrome^TM is a national epidemic, no doubt.  And when your lady gets in that mood to get her chick flick on, there's little recourse than to get on your knees, submit, and come up with a good safe word (wait . . . that's just my Saturday nights).  For guys, when NaDS hits, you're often sent reeling--asking, "what did I do to deserve this?", "why, g-d, why??", or even "where's the closest surgeon who can remove my balls, since I clearly won't need them anymore, not after watching this crapfest designed explicitly to cater to the wymmins folk for when they're needin' a good cryin'?"  But it doesn't have to be that way!

Under my patented* Chick-flick Avoidance System, all you have to do is memorize these simple sayings:

1. "But honey, we just watched American Psycho, wherein Christian Bale is practically nude.  I think that more than qualifies it as a chick flick; you've reached your monthly quota."
2. "Well, okay, but I guess that means we'll be watching Commando next, when it's my turn to pick the movie."
3. "Is this because I said your best friend looked hot in that tube top?  I don't appreciate you taking your aggression-stemming-from-feelings-of-inadequacy out on me, thankyouverymuch."
4. "I'd better get a blow job for this."

Learn these sayings.  Repeat them.  Love them.  Own them.  And you'll soon find yourself either (1) in a three-way; (2) getting a blow-jay; (3) or totally avoiding chick-flick-of-the-week with your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.  Whichever way, it's win-win!

*Um . . . we'll just say that it's patent-pending . . . yeah . . . .

Hitler's Final Downfall

I know, it's got nothing to do with the Twilightening, but I'm trying not to make this a one-trick blog....

The Coming Animal Wars

Can I be serious for a second?

. . .
Okay. We have reached the point of no return, my friends. Long has man feared nature and wished to destroy it and its monstrosities. An uneasy balance has developed over the millennium between man and the delicious-but-deadly animals: we don't put frickin' laser beams on sharks, they don't eat us (not strictly enforced); we don't aerially hunt wolves from a helicopter, they don't commit identity theft on our grandmothers (ditto); we don't kick bears in the crotch, they don't stop us from stealing their salmon (uhhh).

That balance, tenuous as it is, has remained fixed for the one irrefutable reason that animals simply don't like each other. A lion eats a gazelle; a gazelle poops in the open savannah; the poop affronts the lion's buried poop's sense of dignity; a lion eats a gazelle; ad infinitum.

Unlike Rodney King and the LAPD, animals simply cannot all get along. Until today.

For today, the unthinkable has happened:

We're through the looking glass here, people. My Flying Spaghetti Monster have mercy on our souls.

Update: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!1!!!1!















Update II:
Ladies and gentlemen, my car has apparently been taken over -- 'conquered' if you will -- by a master race of giant space mantises. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive carpoolers within or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the mantises will soon be here. Indeed, with mantises' known predilection towards delicious mammal flesh, it is foolish to stand in their way -- for when the hummingbird falls, all is lost.

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted blogging personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their aboveground holly bushes and oak trees.

Good night, and good luck.

The Twilightening Movie: Sneak Preview!1!!

Whoa--did you see the new clip from the Twilight movie!?  This is gonna be awesome!!1!!!1

Personally, I think it's the right direction for the movie to go.  It clearly was not going to work as a drama--who would take that crap seriously?--but as a comedy, it may yet not suck.

No.

No, that's not true.

It will still suck.  A lot.  But, um... yeah... I got nothin'.  Enjoy!

Twilight IV: The Twilightening

Stephani Meyer is kind of a big deal.  A Mormon big deal.  So say Dan Glaister and Sarah Falconer...

Mormon who put new life into vampires

It sounds like the sort of dream you would rather forget: 'I saw two characters talking about the fact that they were in love. He was telling her that his problem was that he wanted to kill her because she smelled so tasty.'

Now that 'cheesy' dream, in the words of dreamer-turned-author Stephenie Meyer, has spawned a series of novels that is dominating bestseller lists around the world. Meyer has joined the illustrious line-up of authors who have tapped into the obsessive adolescent market, by luck or design. Time magazine even included Meyer on its list of '100 most influential people for 2008', alongside George Clooney and the Dalai Lama.

Hitler, of course, came in first.  Indeed, the only controversy regarding the list was how far to elevate Will Smith based on his universal likability among white people.

She already has the publishing world chattering about the next JK Rowling. 

She already has the publishing world chattering about the next mom-who-can't-write-a-sentence-worth-a-crap-who-somehow-lucks-into-becoming-a-billionaire.

On Saturday, 2 August, thousands of Meyer's fans, many clad in the outfits of her characters [a.k.a., "prom costumes," a.k.a., frickin' prom dresses], will gather at midnight parties at more than 4,000 bookshops in the US to grab a copy of Breaking Dawn Twilight IV: The Twilightening, the latest and final saga in Meyer's vampire saga, The Twilight Saga.

The novel promises to bring to a close the story of ordinary high-school girl Bella Swan and her fellow student and love interest, 'vegetarian vampire' Edward Cullen. 

The novel promises to bring to a close the nerdy-girl fantasy of the plain-girl-who's-actually-really-attractive-once-she-just-gets-some-confidence-in-herself and her fellow student and love interest, 'pussy' Hunky McHunkstein.

Internet chat speculation about the direction Meyer will take next has been fevered and the scale of the launch event echoes the launches of the last few Harry Potter titles.

In May, as a teaser, Meyer released a preview chapter from the new book. This was a typically breathless fan web posting: 'That first chapter gave us such a big insight on what's going on through Edward's head, and it gave me a much better understanding how hard it must've been for him to resist Bella's blood.' A fellow fan, Vampgirl9, replied in what must be called a similar vein: 

Get it??  Vein??  Y'know, the things that transport blood around the body??  Blood being what vampires subsist on??  Aww, forget it.

'That single chapter let me know him so much better. I can just imagine how hard it was for him. I cant Wait!!'

In Britain, Meyer's titles are being boosted by word-of-mouth recommendations. 'Sales are up because girls, mostly teenage girls, often come in asking for them, having been recommended by friends. In fact, we have just had one in to order the new title,' said Lesley Agnew, owner of the Children's Bookshop in Muswell Hill, north London, which stocks the whole Twilight series.

How quaint.  Having only just recently developed indoor plumbing and running water, Britons are eager for the next big invention.  "I hear America has bread that is pre-sliced--bloody brilliant!" squawked Mid-Lower Trinupshirefordshire resident Chester Shitton, on his way home from a long day of mindlessly shitting by the side of the road ("It's a shitty job, but someone's gotta do it, by crikey!").  Shitton's daughter, Amanda, earlier went down to her local typesetter to see what was the latest rage in printing pressery.  There, she was floored to discover a new invention--something called The Intertubesnets--which purported to allow customers to view pornographic material for just two farthings a longfootsmanrock.

'They read as books that are very clearly aimed at teens, so there is no crossover appeal. You can't imagine a parent reading them to an eight-year-old, as was the case for the early Potter books.' 

"She finally came to him in the bed and shouted ‘Arragghrrorwr!’ in his ear, bit his neck, plunged her head between his legs and devoured him."  And that, Suzie, is how babies are made.

Despite her success, unless you are a teenage girl who yearns for a Byronic hero averse to pre-marital sex ["pussy"] you may not have heard of Stephenie Meyer. She lives with her husband and three young children in Cave Creek in the Arizona desert, after all. 

Population: 5

Like Rowling, Meyer, 34, found an unlikely route to teen fame.

...by becoming a famous teen while in her 30s?

While Rowling was struggling to look after a baby on benefits when she conjured up her story of the boy wizard embarking on a strange train journey, Meyer's break into publishing came with her strange dream.

After shuttling the kids to school and performing her domestic duties ["weekly blowjobs and anal"], she found time to write it down. She covered 10 pages that became chapter 10 in her first novel, Twilight. With no plot, outline or agent, Meyer continued the story of the deprived lovers. 

"Meyer has extended this practice of writing without a plot or outline to her other works, most notably Twilight II: Just After Twilight and My Dinner With Andre."  (zing!)

When she reached the end, she worked back from her dream to the beginning of their relationship. With her sister's encouragement, Meyer then began to look for a publisher. After nine rejections, her manuscript was noticed by an agent at Writers House in New York. From there it was a precipitous journey to book fairs, multi-million-dollar deals, a movie of Twilight, directed by Catherine Hardwicke and due out in December, and an obscure kind of celebrity. 'To be honest, I feel like I was guided through that process,' Meyer told an interviewer in 2005, after publication of Twilight.

The guide she was referring to was not her New York agent Jodi Reamer, or Elizabeth Eulberg, 'director of global publicity for Stephenie Meyer' at her US publisher Little, Brown. Rather, her guide is a more lofty being: Meyer is a Mormon and, while her books avoid direct mention of religion, her faith informs her work. Interviewed on amazon.com, she declared that the Book of Mormon was the book 'with the most significant impact on [her] life'. Accordingly, her books, in the words of one critic, are full of sexual tension but remain 'as decorous as Jane Austen'.

"Homoeroticism and incest also figure as themes, but each is broached in only the most genteel way," said the critic while masturbating furiously.

The intersection of vampirism and Mormonism has caused some comment among other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. 'Some Mormons, especially those who know me, are surprised by my choice of topics,' she told the Mormon arts and culture website motleyvision.com. '"Vampires?" they say, with a critical lilt to their voices. Then they add self-righteously, "I don't read those kinds of books." I hasten to explain to them that it's not like that. 

Good to know that even Meyer is ashamed of her books' subject matter.

Unconsciously, I put a lot of my basic beliefs into the story. Free agency is a big theme, as is sacrifice ... Even after I explain all that, I still have LDS friends and extended family who look at me funny.'

Free agency, as most know, is a new concept to the Mormons.  Only recently established under the Collective Bargaining Agreement of 2001 after the contentious lockout-shortened 2000 season, free agency among the Mormon community has been seen as something of a novelty.  Additionally, with the advent of Sabermetrics, sacrifices have seen their importance lessen, as Mormons come to understand that trading a sure out for moving a runner up one base does not generally pass the cost-benefit analysis.

Funny or not, 

Not really.

the figures speak for themselves. 

She should patent that.

Her first novel, in 2005, was sold in 28 countries; her second, New Moon, reached number one on the New York Times bestseller list; while her third stayed in that position for 29 weeks. Combined, the three books have sold more than 5.3 million copies in the US, have been translated into 20 languages and have spent 143 weeks on the NYT list. And while the Twilight series is ripe for the attention of teenage girls, it also appeals to some of their mothers.

Twilightmoms.com is a website started by a woman who became obsessed by the books but found that 'the only other obsessed people I could talk to about it were the teenage girls in my neighbourhood'. 'Is your house a disaster with piles of laundry in every corner and stacks of dirty dishes at record-breaking heights?' asks the website. 'Have you imagined your husband is a vampire (or werewolf) and suddenly have the libido of a newly-wed again?'

Other questions include:

• "Are you nauseated by the smell of garlic and repulsed by the sight of religious symbols?" 
  
• "Do you sleep in a coffin during the day?"  
  
• "Are you chronically pestered by stake-wielding hunters?"  
  
• "Do you sparkle like a diamond in the sunlight?"
  

New York Times columnist Gail Collins posed a different rationale for the appeal of Meyer's oeuvre. After quoting Meyer's sometimes exuberant prose - 'He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare ... A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal' - Cooper [Collins?] concluded: 'Edward is a version of that legendary, seldom-seen male who won't take advantage of his date even if she rips off her clothes and begs him to take her to bed.'

No, no, no.  It's common knowledge that the wymmins folk get their panties all up in a bunch when they're treated like shit by asshole guys.  Pussies like Edward never get laid in real life.  How's this for analysis: Edward is the male-daddy figure that immature child-women like Meyer fantasize about because he is able, in resisting the siren song of the Slut (because he knows what's best for her), to put women in their place as the sniveling, sexual-deviant-without free-will-or-the-capacity-to-resist-sexual-urges they are.  

Spanking is likely involved.

The good people of Forks, Washington state, where Meyer has set her stories, have all this on their minds over the summer months as they promote their town with weekly tours of locations from the Twilight series.

The highlight of last year's Stephenie Meyer Day - 'Events & activities honouring author Stephenie Meyer for choosing Forks to be the location of her series of four books that have achieved widespread popularity' - was advertised as being held at City Hall at noon: 'Police chief will serve peanut butter/jelly sandwiches.'

It sounds like a dream you would rather forget.

Or a nightmare you can't wake from.

In Which We Discuss the Undead Over a Spot o' Tea

So... vampires.

I guess they're... romantic? Mysterious? Pale?

Really suck?

Whatever. But apparently Twilight is doin' pretty well for itself, having already spawned three (soon to be quatro) books, and now a movie deal (somehow, I suspect the movie will go the way of The Covenant (you know, minus the award-winning dialogue such as

Reid Garwin: 'Sup fellas?
Tyler Sims: Where were you? I stopped by to give you a lift.
Reid Garwin: Had things to do. How's the party?
Pogue Parry: Don't know. Just got here.
Reid Garwin: Well, hell, boys.
[eyes go black]
Reid Garwin: Let's drop in.
[jumps off cliff]
Tyler Sims: Shit, yeah!

)), and is being devoured at break-neck speed by fans starved for some good ol' fashioned bad-boy-who-the-every-woman-tries-to-tame-ization. You know what I'm talking about. I mean, check out the plots of these novels [SPOILERS ARE FOR THE WEAK]:

Twilight
Isabella (Bella) Swan ["Beautiful swan"? Seriously?] moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington to allow her mother, Renée, to travel with her new husband, Phil. After moving to Forks, Bella finds herself drawn to a mysterious boy, Edward Cullen [boring and un-vampiric; let's call him Caleb Frost], who turns out to be a 'vegetarian' vampire, (a vampire who drinks animal blood, as opposed to human blood). [seriously?] They fall in love, and must fight off a rival clan of vile vampires who want to drink Bella's blood ['cause it's easier to fight off another vampire that is protecting a human, rather than simply preying on some other human who has no vampire protector... or something]. Bella escapes to Phoenix, Arizona [congratulations! that first time those words have been written in conjunction with each other!] where she is tricked into confronting James [Nathaniel], an enemy vampire of the Cullens. Bella is severely hurt, but Edward [Caleb] and his family save her. After Bella recovers, she returns to Forks.

New Moon
Edward [Caleb] and his family leave Forks, Washington, because of his belief that he is constantly endangering Bella's life by his presence. Bella falls into a deep depression for several months after he leaves, until she develops a strong friendship with werewolf Jacob Black [actually, that's a pretty good name]. Jacob and the other werewolves in his village must protect her from Victoria [Carmella], an evil vampire who intends to avenge the death of James [Nathaniel], her mate, by killing Bella. A misunderstanding occurs [as normally does], and Edward [Caleb] is lead [sic] to believe that Bella is dead. Edward [Caleb] decides to commit suicide in Volterra, Italy, but Bella stops him. They meet with the Volturi and are let go with the condition that Bella will be turned into a vampire. Once the Cullens return to Forks with Bella beside them, Jacob breaks his friendship with her because of the hate that vampires and werewolves have towards each other.

Eclipse
Bella is still being stalked by the vampire Victoria [Carmella], who has amassed an army of "newborn" vampires. Meanwhile, Bella is forced to choose between her relationship with Edward [Caleb] and her friendship with Jacob. Edward's [Caleb's] family of vampires and Jacob's pack of werewolves join forces to fight Victoria's [Carmella's] army of vampires. Before the battle, Jacob tells Bella that he will join the fight with the intention of dying unless she kisses him. [seriously?] Bella accepts and, while kissing him, realizes that she loves Jacob, but not as much as she loves Edward [Caleb]. [the hussy!] The battle then begins and Victoria [Carmella] and her army of vampires are destroyed. In the end, Bella chooses Edward's [Caleb's] love over Jacob's, and Jacob is devastated to hear of Bella's choice and her decision to become a vampire.

[SERIOUSLY, I NEED TO GIVE YOU NOTICE ABOUT STOPPING SPOILERS?]

No, I am not making up these blurbs; they are actually that ridiculous. But, somehow, people [women] eat this shit up. And considering how much money is being made off of these books, I might as well try to cash in while the gettin's good. So, without further ado, I present to you a free preview of my debut vampire novel, Not Quite Night Yet, Although the Sun's Already Down Past the Horizon:

Tessa Morgenstern slowly walked up the steps to Dark Falls High School. She didn't want to be here, but her single and independent (yet stuck-in-her-ways fundamentalist) mother had packed up and moved the two of them to Dark Falls after years of living in Sunny Vale, because she wanted a fresh start. Tessa begrudged her mother; Tessa never got anything that she wanted -- never got anything that she deserved. But Tessa showed the same spirit of independence that her mother did, so Tessa vowed to stay strong and try to make the best of the new environment.

But this was easier said than done. As Tessa walked up the steps, she was bumped and jostled by the other students, who rudely didn't get out of the way of the new kid who was just loitering on the steps in front of the only entrance to the building. Tessa had never been popular in Sunny Vale, but she'd had a close group of friends. She feared she'd never fit in here.

In her haste to slowly approach the entrance, Tessa dropped her Biology textbook. It fell open to a page on Ear, Nose, and Throat doctors. Tessa knelt down to pick up the book; she reached out her hand, and as she did, her hand was met by another hand; a rougher, yet wholly gentle, hand. Tessa felt her heart race. She'd never touched a boy's skin before. Her eyes were still fixated on the book on the ground, Tessa's mind began to fill with images of weddings and romantic beach vacations with this new boy--whom she was sure would turn out to be the love of her life and her future husband (only after he'd saved her life somehow and proposed with a diamond ring heirloom that had been in his family for 12 generations (and was made of platinum and had a really pretty diamond that would make all the other girls in the school totally jealous)). Tessa slowly raised her eyes until they locked with the boy's eyes.

"I think you dropped this," he said with a boyish voice that was tinged with sorrow, regret, and pain. "You're not like all the other girls around here," the boy then said, as he ran his hands through his wavy ebony locks, and looked off into the distance with a pained look in his eyes (which seemed to draw you in and drink you up). Tessa thought she heard him sniffle. This boy was sensitive, gorgeous, and thoughtful, while at the same time maintaining the bad-boy qualities that girls always swoon for until they got bored with it and realized that sensitive guys are the way to go. He had this power that she was unable to resist; something about his eyes said "danger," but something about his everything said "he is literally too good to be true--trust me, there's some kinda catch here."

Tessa threw caution to the wind and embraced the boy (whom she later discovered was named Damian) and kissed him deeply, softly, and passionately, and he returned the kiss deeply, and softly, and passionately.

But then, Damian's rival, Cain, showed up!

Whoa! I know I'm on the edge of my seat... and I wrote the thing! Keep coming back here for more previews! Don't mind me... I'll just be counting my money.