The Coming Animal Wars

Can I be serious for a second?

. . .
Okay. We have reached the point of no return, my friends. Long has man feared nature and wished to destroy it and its monstrosities. An uneasy balance has developed over the millennium between man and the delicious-but-deadly animals: we don't put frickin' laser beams on sharks, they don't eat us (not strictly enforced); we don't aerially hunt wolves from a helicopter, they don't commit identity theft on our grandmothers (ditto); we don't kick bears in the crotch, they don't stop us from stealing their salmon (uhhh).

That balance, tenuous as it is, has remained fixed for the one irrefutable reason that animals simply don't like each other. A lion eats a gazelle; a gazelle poops in the open savannah; the poop affronts the lion's buried poop's sense of dignity; a lion eats a gazelle; ad infinitum.

Unlike Rodney King and the LAPD, animals simply cannot all get along. Until today.

For today, the unthinkable has happened:

We're through the looking glass here, people. My Flying Spaghetti Monster have mercy on our souls.

Update: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!1!!!1!















Update II:
Ladies and gentlemen, my car has apparently been taken over -- 'conquered' if you will -- by a master race of giant space mantises. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive carpoolers within or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the mantises will soon be here. Indeed, with mantises' known predilection towards delicious mammal flesh, it is foolish to stand in their way -- for when the hummingbird falls, all is lost.

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted blogging personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their aboveground holly bushes and oak trees.

Good night, and good luck.