Only Time Will Tell...

New developments in the escalating animal-human crisis:

Zombies: new human ally or threat to humans' aquatic conquest?  You decide.

h/t Quiet Earth.

Tastes Like Tasteless Jokes

Now, I'm not an expert at writing headlines, but shouldn't someone have thought better of this:

Former NFL Players to Donate Brains for Study

?

...To which I reply, what brains amiright?? *rimshot*

Unfounded Insight

maxr,

I've got a problem: my girlfriend and I take turns picking movies to watch, and I've got a feeling she's in the mood for The Notebook (she's been all lovey-dovey lately, gets emotional at random, pines over Ryan Gosling, etc.).  How do I avoid watching that tripe??

Dreading in Dover

Dear Dreading,

Notebook and Derangement Syndrome^TM is a national epidemic, no doubt.  And when your lady gets in that mood to get her chick flick on, there's little recourse than to get on your knees, submit, and come up with a good safe word (wait . . . that's just my Saturday nights).  For guys, when NaDS hits, you're often sent reeling--asking, "what did I do to deserve this?", "why, g-d, why??", or even "where's the closest surgeon who can remove my balls, since I clearly won't need them anymore, not after watching this crapfest designed explicitly to cater to the wymmins folk for when they're needin' a good cryin'?"  But it doesn't have to be that way!

Under my patented* Chick-flick Avoidance System, all you have to do is memorize these simple sayings:

1. "But honey, we just watched American Psycho, wherein Christian Bale is practically nude.  I think that more than qualifies it as a chick flick; you've reached your monthly quota."
2. "Well, okay, but I guess that means we'll be watching Commando next, when it's my turn to pick the movie."
3. "Is this because I said your best friend looked hot in that tube top?  I don't appreciate you taking your aggression-stemming-from-feelings-of-inadequacy out on me, thankyouverymuch."
4. "I'd better get a blow job for this."

Learn these sayings.  Repeat them.  Love them.  Own them.  And you'll soon find yourself either (1) in a three-way; (2) getting a blow-jay; (3) or totally avoiding chick-flick-of-the-week with your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.  Whichever way, it's win-win!

*Um . . . we'll just say that it's patent-pending . . . yeah . . . .

Hitler's Final Downfall

I know, it's got nothing to do with the Twilightening, but I'm trying not to make this a one-trick blog....

The Coming Animal Wars

Can I be serious for a second?

. . .
Okay. We have reached the point of no return, my friends. Long has man feared nature and wished to destroy it and its monstrosities. An uneasy balance has developed over the millennium between man and the delicious-but-deadly animals: we don't put frickin' laser beams on sharks, they don't eat us (not strictly enforced); we don't aerially hunt wolves from a helicopter, they don't commit identity theft on our grandmothers (ditto); we don't kick bears in the crotch, they don't stop us from stealing their salmon (uhhh).

That balance, tenuous as it is, has remained fixed for the one irrefutable reason that animals simply don't like each other. A lion eats a gazelle; a gazelle poops in the open savannah; the poop affronts the lion's buried poop's sense of dignity; a lion eats a gazelle; ad infinitum.

Unlike Rodney King and the LAPD, animals simply cannot all get along. Until today.

For today, the unthinkable has happened:

We're through the looking glass here, people. My Flying Spaghetti Monster have mercy on our souls.

Update: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE INVASION HAS BEGUN!!1!!!1!















Update II:
Ladies and gentlemen, my car has apparently been taken over -- 'conquered' if you will -- by a master race of giant space mantises. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive carpoolers within or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the mantises will soon be here. Indeed, with mantises' known predilection towards delicious mammal flesh, it is foolish to stand in their way -- for when the hummingbird falls, all is lost.

And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted blogging personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their aboveground holly bushes and oak trees.

Good night, and good luck.

The Twilightening Movie: Sneak Preview!1!!

Whoa--did you see the new clip from the Twilight movie!?  This is gonna be awesome!!1!!!1

Personally, I think it's the right direction for the movie to go.  It clearly was not going to work as a drama--who would take that crap seriously?--but as a comedy, it may yet not suck.

No.

No, that's not true.

It will still suck.  A lot.  But, um... yeah... I got nothin'.  Enjoy!