In Which We Discuss the Undead Over a Spot o' Tea

So... vampires.

I guess they're... romantic? Mysterious? Pale?

Really suck?

Whatever. But apparently Twilight is doin' pretty well for itself, having already spawned three (soon to be quatro) books, and now a movie deal (somehow, I suspect the movie will go the way of The Covenant (you know, minus the award-winning dialogue such as

Reid Garwin: 'Sup fellas?
Tyler Sims: Where were you? I stopped by to give you a lift.
Reid Garwin: Had things to do. How's the party?
Pogue Parry: Don't know. Just got here.
Reid Garwin: Well, hell, boys.
[eyes go black]
Reid Garwin: Let's drop in.
[jumps off cliff]
Tyler Sims: Shit, yeah!

)), and is being devoured at break-neck speed by fans starved for some good ol' fashioned bad-boy-who-the-every-woman-tries-to-tame-ization. You know what I'm talking about. I mean, check out the plots of these novels [SPOILERS ARE FOR THE WEAK]:

Twilight
Isabella (Bella) Swan ["Beautiful swan"? Seriously?] moves from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington to allow her mother, Renée, to travel with her new husband, Phil. After moving to Forks, Bella finds herself drawn to a mysterious boy, Edward Cullen [boring and un-vampiric; let's call him Caleb Frost], who turns out to be a 'vegetarian' vampire, (a vampire who drinks animal blood, as opposed to human blood). [seriously?] They fall in love, and must fight off a rival clan of vile vampires who want to drink Bella's blood ['cause it's easier to fight off another vampire that is protecting a human, rather than simply preying on some other human who has no vampire protector... or something]. Bella escapes to Phoenix, Arizona [congratulations! that first time those words have been written in conjunction with each other!] where she is tricked into confronting James [Nathaniel], an enemy vampire of the Cullens. Bella is severely hurt, but Edward [Caleb] and his family save her. After Bella recovers, she returns to Forks.

New Moon
Edward [Caleb] and his family leave Forks, Washington, because of his belief that he is constantly endangering Bella's life by his presence. Bella falls into a deep depression for several months after he leaves, until she develops a strong friendship with werewolf Jacob Black [actually, that's a pretty good name]. Jacob and the other werewolves in his village must protect her from Victoria [Carmella], an evil vampire who intends to avenge the death of James [Nathaniel], her mate, by killing Bella. A misunderstanding occurs [as normally does], and Edward [Caleb] is lead [sic] to believe that Bella is dead. Edward [Caleb] decides to commit suicide in Volterra, Italy, but Bella stops him. They meet with the Volturi and are let go with the condition that Bella will be turned into a vampire. Once the Cullens return to Forks with Bella beside them, Jacob breaks his friendship with her because of the hate that vampires and werewolves have towards each other.

Eclipse
Bella is still being stalked by the vampire Victoria [Carmella], who has amassed an army of "newborn" vampires. Meanwhile, Bella is forced to choose between her relationship with Edward [Caleb] and her friendship with Jacob. Edward's [Caleb's] family of vampires and Jacob's pack of werewolves join forces to fight Victoria's [Carmella's] army of vampires. Before the battle, Jacob tells Bella that he will join the fight with the intention of dying unless she kisses him. [seriously?] Bella accepts and, while kissing him, realizes that she loves Jacob, but not as much as she loves Edward [Caleb]. [the hussy!] The battle then begins and Victoria [Carmella] and her army of vampires are destroyed. In the end, Bella chooses Edward's [Caleb's] love over Jacob's, and Jacob is devastated to hear of Bella's choice and her decision to become a vampire.

[SERIOUSLY, I NEED TO GIVE YOU NOTICE ABOUT STOPPING SPOILERS?]

No, I am not making up these blurbs; they are actually that ridiculous. But, somehow, people [women] eat this shit up. And considering how much money is being made off of these books, I might as well try to cash in while the gettin's good. So, without further ado, I present to you a free preview of my debut vampire novel, Not Quite Night Yet, Although the Sun's Already Down Past the Horizon:

Tessa Morgenstern slowly walked up the steps to Dark Falls High School. She didn't want to be here, but her single and independent (yet stuck-in-her-ways fundamentalist) mother had packed up and moved the two of them to Dark Falls after years of living in Sunny Vale, because she wanted a fresh start. Tessa begrudged her mother; Tessa never got anything that she wanted -- never got anything that she deserved. But Tessa showed the same spirit of independence that her mother did, so Tessa vowed to stay strong and try to make the best of the new environment.

But this was easier said than done. As Tessa walked up the steps, she was bumped and jostled by the other students, who rudely didn't get out of the way of the new kid who was just loitering on the steps in front of the only entrance to the building. Tessa had never been popular in Sunny Vale, but she'd had a close group of friends. She feared she'd never fit in here.

In her haste to slowly approach the entrance, Tessa dropped her Biology textbook. It fell open to a page on Ear, Nose, and Throat doctors. Tessa knelt down to pick up the book; she reached out her hand, and as she did, her hand was met by another hand; a rougher, yet wholly gentle, hand. Tessa felt her heart race. She'd never touched a boy's skin before. Her eyes were still fixated on the book on the ground, Tessa's mind began to fill with images of weddings and romantic beach vacations with this new boy--whom she was sure would turn out to be the love of her life and her future husband (only after he'd saved her life somehow and proposed with a diamond ring heirloom that had been in his family for 12 generations (and was made of platinum and had a really pretty diamond that would make all the other girls in the school totally jealous)). Tessa slowly raised her eyes until they locked with the boy's eyes.

"I think you dropped this," he said with a boyish voice that was tinged with sorrow, regret, and pain. "You're not like all the other girls around here," the boy then said, as he ran his hands through his wavy ebony locks, and looked off into the distance with a pained look in his eyes (which seemed to draw you in and drink you up). Tessa thought she heard him sniffle. This boy was sensitive, gorgeous, and thoughtful, while at the same time maintaining the bad-boy qualities that girls always swoon for until they got bored with it and realized that sensitive guys are the way to go. He had this power that she was unable to resist; something about his eyes said "danger," but something about his everything said "he is literally too good to be true--trust me, there's some kinda catch here."

Tessa threw caution to the wind and embraced the boy (whom she later discovered was named Damian) and kissed him deeply, softly, and passionately, and he returned the kiss deeply, and softly, and passionately.

But then, Damian's rival, Cain, showed up!

Whoa! I know I'm on the edge of my seat... and I wrote the thing! Keep coming back here for more previews! Don't mind me... I'll just be counting my money.