Unfounded Insight

maxr,

I've got a problem: my girlfriend and I take turns picking movies to watch, and I've got a feeling she's in the mood for The Notebook (she's been all lovey-dovey lately, gets emotional at random, pines over Ryan Gosling, etc.).  How do I avoid watching that tripe??

Dreading in Dover

Dear Dreading,

Notebook and Derangement Syndrome^TM is a national epidemic, no doubt.  And when your lady gets in that mood to get her chick flick on, there's little recourse than to get on your knees, submit, and come up with a good safe word (wait . . . that's just my Saturday nights).  For guys, when NaDS hits, you're often sent reeling--asking, "what did I do to deserve this?", "why, g-d, why??", or even "where's the closest surgeon who can remove my balls, since I clearly won't need them anymore, not after watching this crapfest designed explicitly to cater to the wymmins folk for when they're needin' a good cryin'?"  But it doesn't have to be that way!

Under my patented* Chick-flick Avoidance System, all you have to do is memorize these simple sayings:

1. "But honey, we just watched American Psycho, wherein Christian Bale is practically nude.  I think that more than qualifies it as a chick flick; you've reached your monthly quota."
2. "Well, okay, but I guess that means we'll be watching Commando next, when it's my turn to pick the movie."
3. "Is this because I said your best friend looked hot in that tube top?  I don't appreciate you taking your aggression-stemming-from-feelings-of-inadequacy out on me, thankyouverymuch."
4. "I'd better get a blow job for this."

Learn these sayings.  Repeat them.  Love them.  Own them.  And you'll soon find yourself either (1) in a three-way; (2) getting a blow-jay; (3) or totally avoiding chick-flick-of-the-week with your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend.  Whichever way, it's win-win!

*Um . . . we'll just say that it's patent-pending . . . yeah . . . .